i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
