Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
