Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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