My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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