I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
