Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
