I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
