I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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