my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
