Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
