I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
