Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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