My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
