I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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