Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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