all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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