this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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