My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im six kinds of drunk right now
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
