I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am one with the molecules
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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