Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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