did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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