I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
