I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
