i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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