There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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