no, he came in my armpit
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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