Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i dont even know how to be here
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
