my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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