why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize