Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
