Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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