Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
