I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
