I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How external is "for external use only"?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
