I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
