Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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