My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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