im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There r osticjed everywhere
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
