Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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