The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
