I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
