I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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