So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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