new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
zippers are such a cool invention
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
