Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
