capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
