i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
