Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
