you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
