Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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