In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
