woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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