Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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