I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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