the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
