whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
