Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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