dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
