Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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