I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
